Coma Tour, Day 6

Coma + Beach - Keyboardist = This

We had a show cancel on us, which means 3 days in a row of no playing. So, we made our way north to find a spot in the redwood forest to camp out for the night and found a spot next to the beach. It took us a good 20 minutes to get a fire going, each of us taking turns to successfully light the fire, fully exploiting our evolutionary urge to out-do the rest of the males. The moment I cursed Dustin for throwing my newspaper away (to use as fire fuel), he got the fire started. We cooked some food and decided to burn almost all of our trash from the van, including a bagful of uneaten marshmallows that melted into a pulsating pile of screaming-baby cream.  With our mental state at the time, that seemed like a good way to describe it.

When the time came to sleep, I thought it would be a good idea to use my 55+ degree travel sleeping bag on the beach. I woke up around 5a.m., and saw that all of my stuff was soaked with ocean mist. So, I moved into the van, where Dustin had already been seasoning the trapped air with his mountain musk. At least it felt warm inside.

The Red Crayon

Somebody Loves Me

Before I walked into the backyard, the dog hadn’t bothered anybody. But the moment I walked outside, he mounted me, and everyone was entertained for a good 10 minutes. Here’s a video for you.

Eventually, we went to downtown San Francisco. I impulsively made a cell phone video while we were at the park. We spent most of our time in Amoeba, a California record shop chain. Lykke Li seems to be a good part of our jams of choice on this tour.

Day 4, Coma to Santa Rosa.

Golden Gate to the max.

Will and I stayed up all night driving from Prescott, AZ through Bakersfield, CA. I sat in the passenger’s seat to make sure Will stayed awake while driving. There was a good session of offensive jokes that kept us awake and laughing, etc., but after about 5 hours I was putting up the fight of my life to stay awake, so much that my dream world was blending with the real world. I hallucinated such things as two men running along the freeway in the lane beside us, approaching cliffs, flying animals, etc.

I finally got a chance to sleep around 7 a.m. and woke up about 4 hours later when we were driving through downtown San Francisco.

We made our stop in Santa Rosa, just north of San Francisco, where a dog named Wallace tried to rape me, out of 6 people, at least 20 times, aggressively. I feel very violated.

Day 3, de la Coma tour.

Courthouse-loiter

Last night, Josh and Callie let us stay over. Callie’s cat knows how to use doorknobs so he tried to get into the bathroom when I was inside. He meowed and I observed his paws swing at me from under the door.  When I got out, I petted the kitty vigorously for his cute effort to humiliate me.

We drove north for 2 hours and walked through the downtown Prescott, Arizona and stumbled upon Dogtoberfest, an event where people adopt dogs in a park.

Dustin proclaimed, “There’s not a single cute dog in this park.”

We sat down on a bench next to some drum-circle hippies who utilized a corner of the park for a well executed hula hoop gathering.  A waitress yelled at Will and Dustin for ordering pizza at the wrong counter.

The Magic Machine

Krishnamurti Bedtime Stories

We spent most of the day at Will’s mom’s house in Sedona.  We found  a machine that had a photo of Leonardo’s Vitruvian Man on it. “What’s ‘dis?,” we asked. Will’s mom explained to us that it’s a machine that has the ability to read the body’s electrical patterns to help determine what a person’s state of health is. The machine hooks up to a laptop that has software that can recommend what herbs you need, what you should or shouldn’t eat, if you have daddy/mommy issues, etc.  Then the magic machine proceeds to send electrical impulses to your body in a corrective sort of way. Tommy said it was super accurate, but none of us will ever know what was revealed to him. It’s sort of like Keanu Reeves and the oracle.

Tonight we played at The Red Owl in Tempe, AZ. Our performance and potentially lame interview is supposed to be on T.V. Thursday in Arizona.

T.V. Guy: “Any shout-outs you wanna give for the people in Arizona?”

Me:  “No.”

Pourquoi votre bande n’a pas de chanteur?

Kitten wanty da water

Today we played a house show in Flagstaff, AZ with a French band called Ed Mudhsi. We talked with them after the show while doing a ritualistic cd-exchange. The one who knew English the best had a pretty thick accent. So I tried to understand him as much as possible without returning the conversation with ‘speak-slowly-for-retards’ that Americans often do to foreigners. Dustin chimed in with something like “DO YOU GUYS HAVE WEBSITE? You, know, WEB-SITE?” while making rectangular gestures with his hands.

What I absorbed from the conversation is that bands in France are automatically liked less if they are French natives or sing in their own language, and English speaking American bands  are well-accepted and treated much better than they are in America. That means the audience likes your band more, the venues feed you well, and you probably will choose not to lose money by touring the good ol’ USA for a while.

On we go.

Mario isn’t a plumber anymore

Illuminati Spaghetti

After making myself a succulent meal for lunch, I embarked on a journey to stock up on non-perishible wholesome snax for the road. Tomorrow I am leaving with The Coma Recovery to Flagstaff, AZ for a two-week tour.

During my food-buying endeavor I saw a couple of guys walking out of Whole Foods. They both looked kind of sketchy, and a person wouldn’t normally see their type in an organic foods market. Both crossed in front of my car the cross walk, and the Super Mario-looking one, who was wearing a “Christian Dad” t-shirt stared me down through my windshield. I parked and went into the store buy my stuff thinking nothing of it.

Of course when I came out they were lurking around in their truck following me to my car. The driver pulled up next to me and yelled “hey, we can fix yer car…” He pointed at my bumper that I messed up a few months ago, “We can fix dat…”

Before I knew it, Super Mario (before he gets the power mushroom) got out of the passenger’s side and was trying to sell me dent-fixing services while walking circles around my car, and pointing out all the little dings. The driver boxed me in so I couldn’t back out. I kept saying no, but he kept pushing it.

Me:  “Ok, well, do you have a business card?”

Mario:  “No. But we can fix it right now. 150 bucks. 150 bucks. Right now. 150 bucks. Can’t beat 150 bucks.”

Me:  “No.”

By then I felt like I was going to get robbed so I got in my car. I waited for them to leave so I could drive out of there. Then I got into traffic while watching the rearview mirror for a good 10 minutes.

Bread and Butter is screening in Santa Fe

Slamdance heer we come

I got an email today that said my digital short will be playing in Santa Fe for the NM film expo this weekend. But I won’t be there. I will be speeding to the west coast with The Coma Recovery. So I’m sending my little bro and his wife to answer all of the probing questions my new fans are going to ask.  (Hopefully as time goes on, you will realize that I really am pompous and I’m not joking around here).

If it does well in the short film category, they will have it play in the Santa Fe Film Festival in December. I think that’s the one Val Kilmer will be haunting with his fresh overweight presence.

I was inspired by the news, so I decided to send one to the Slamdance Film Festival today. Basically, Slamdance is  Sundance’s retarded younger brother who’s slowly growing into a man.

I just found out I burned my pancakes while writing this.

Captions 2

Cletus ain’t go fishin’ to get himself a dinner, oh no. Cletus took the eyes right off that fish and put’m in his own sockets.

Only days away from graduation, Carl realizes that his true passion lies in music, and he’s only going to wizard school because of his parents.

After receiving an important telegram from his daughter, Wilbur brings his right hand closer to read, and realizes, crap, it’s in the other hand.

While first and second place in the hunting contest received Alcohol for their merits, Warren tries to maintain good spirits when he discovers that 3rd place gets nothing.

A UFO once again evades the planet earth…

…until Skrappy saves the day. Good boy.

Captions I

Granting a request for Pinocchio’s birthday, Geppetto finds a gift for his new son. However, now that Pinocchio is a “real-life boy”, he discovers the harsh reality that chicks don’t automatically like you.

Remote controlled steam rollers are now the newest athletic training tool coveted by coaches worldwide.

This is the last known photo taken of Nancy before she was found at her
house dead. Cause of death: Electric shock, due to catching her fat toe in an
outlet.

The bad news is, this baby was born with its head sideways. The good news is, it was also born without a body, so no one notices anyway.

This amazing family makes babies so fast, they don’t even have time to put their clothes on.

Police arrived at a local park in time to discover that a few “happy face antennae heads” were attempting to stash the body of one of their peers behind a tree.

A student got in trouble for drawing this picture on his desk. Then he got an F in Art, Spelling, and was punished with a week of recess.

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